Stumbling Through Parenthood: A Story About Poop

Poop.

Pre-parenthood I never would have thought such a tiny human being could produce so much of it.

Here is a funny story that happened last week in church... I hope you get a kick out of it.

Church starts at 11am.

10:52am: I'm in the bathroom at home finishing up getting ready, vigorously applying under eye concealer to my purple bags because Cosette was up 3 times that night so I slept in until 10am. I'm yelling at RJ to put the baby in her car seat because we are going to be late (as usual).

10:53am: RJ straps her in the car seat.

10:53:30: I hear RJ say, "Oh did that feel good? Did that poop feel good?". Me: "CHANGE HER DIAPER!!!!!!!"  RJ yells back, "NO we don't have time!"

10:55am: We walk out the door and arrive to church right at 10:59am. On time. Phew. First time in 4 years. On the outside I'm cool as a cucumber but on the inside I'm doing a victory dance and singing, "Score! #WINNING #rockingthisparentingthing!"

10:59:50am: Cosette starts to cry so I pull her out of her car seat and set her on my lap. I notice she has blown out not only through her diaper, but it has soaked through her onesie, tights, skirt (which she was wearing for the first time), AND onto my skirt. Awesome. Bite my tongue to not profane while in the presence of God and of non-parental persons who have not yet been sharted upon by green swamp poop.

11:00-11:15am: Change baby's diaper. Try to do damage control and not spread the mess. #rockingthisparentingthing right? Scrub scrub scrub all aforementioned clothing items in the hallway bathroom. Spread the mess. Poop stain is now 234,098,234 times bigger than original concentrated stain. Tell the person knocking on the door there's a bomb scene in here and there will be casualties so it may be awhile and not to ask questions. Wonder how this never came up in conversation before I had children. Send a prayer to heaven for my now rubbed raw knuckles. Wondering that of all modern conveniences how there's not a speed washer/dryer set in the mother's room. 

11:15am: Say "screw it" and throw half of clothing items away into the trash. Walk back into sacrament meeting with half-naked baby and soaking wet skirt in hand. Whatever.

Wait until a week later to bring it up with RJ.

Next time I won't even bother getting baby dressed for church.